


Tiny Ugly World

by ShameInYou



Category: Blind Melon
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2203134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShameInYou/pseuds/ShameInYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hearing the news of Kurt Cobain's suicide tremendously disturbs Shannon. Who is the only one that can bring him out of his tantrum?...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tiny Ugly World

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fictional take on what happened that day. It's true that Shannon was really really upset about Kurt's death. Here is a few links if you are interested:
> 
> Question Mark Shannon
> 
> http://static.tumblr.com/tla2hug/1V3m563is/l5r6iq64v74k5l67.jpg
> 
> Blind Melon performing "Change" on Letterman, visibly upset Shannon
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FuAUeKrlNo
> 
> Shannon's personal footage talking about Kurt's suicide, visibly upset
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AUCtqA8feQ

April 5, 1994

 

Shannon sat on the bed of the hotel room he was sharing with his girlfriend at the Marriott in New York City. He and his band Blind Melon had a pre-taped gig a few hours from then for the David Letterman show. It would air that night. Shannon sat on the bed and strummed his guitar idly as his girlfriend paced back and forth around the room, blabbing on about what Shannon should wear that night.

Shannon was in the process of cutting his long hair. It was currently below his ears and slicked back. He was slowly but surely ridding himself of that "hippy" image.

Shannon's girlfriend held up clothes and asked Shannon questions about them, to which he idly answered. Shannon leaned back slightly, looking down at his guitar and strummed it, humming to himself. His girlfriend disappeared into the bathroom.

The TV in the hotel room was turned to MTV. A bland block of music videos were on a loop. Shannon was barely paying attention. He was more concerned about when Christopher would be back. The band had been on the go so much lately that Shannon and Chris weren't able to spend very much time together. Shannon had been craving the touch of a man lately. His girlfriend had been all up on his dick lately and he was getting tired of pussy. He wanted a cock in his mouth. He was tired of eating his girlfriend out for hours on end to get her to orgasm. He couldn't even feel it when she came unless he stuck his fingers inside of her.

When he was with Chris and Chris was in his mouth...he could feel it.

Shannon smiled to himself when he thought about Chris. He wondered what he was doing. Shannon was thinking about calling Chris's room number to see if he was there when suddenly, MTV News interrupted the boring block of music videos that were playing.

Shannon's girlfriend came back out of the bathroom around this time and stood by the bed, brows slightly furrowed as she looked at the TV with Shannon.

Kurt Loder's gruff and monotonous voice sounded through the TV as he spoke.

"Today, Kurt Cobain, the leader of one of rock's most gifted and promising bands, Nirvana, is dead."

Shannon's girlfriend gasped. Shannon's eyes widened. He and his girlfriend looked at each other.

"Did he just say? Kurt Cobain? Oh my god!" Shannon's girlfriend exclaimed.

Shannon quickly looked back at the TV as Loder continued to speak.

"And this is the story as we know it so far. Cobain's body was found in a house in Seattle today with an apparent self-inflicted shot gun blast to his head. Police found what appeared to be an apparent suicide note at the scene but have not yet divulged it's contents. The 27 year old Nirvana front man had been reported missing for 6 days according to his mother.

Cobain had an overdose earlier this year from heroin overseas. He then attempted a rehab stint but didn't finish. Cobain reportedly struggled with heroin.

Details are still being put together at this hour. Stay tuned for further updates."

Shannon sat there, staring at the TV as the news went off and the video block continued. The news of the Nirvana frontman's death scrolled across the bottom of the screen.

"Holy shit! Kurt fucking killed himself? That's just...crazy!" Shannon's girlfriend exclaimed, shocked.

Shannon felt numb all over his body. He really liked Nirvana. They were a cool band and they had a really neat message. He really looked up to Kurt. He too fucking hated the mainstream and how they would make big deals out of stupid shit. He could understand where Kurt was coming from with the whole No Rain thing that had happened with his band. They were just on the tail end of that wave.

Shannon's girlfriend got on the phone of the hotel room, calling Rogers to let him know of the news of the Nirvana singer's death. Meanwhile, Shannon had taken his guitar off, clutching his knees. He grabbed the remote and started flipping the channels.

He thought about Kurt's wife and daughter. Man, that little girl was going to grow up without a dad. Shannon knew from news reports and magazines that Kurt had suffered from depression, and he could see how the media's stupid bullshit had made things worse.

Shannon flipped through all the channels, and on every news station, they were talking about Kurt's death. Shannon also knew that Kurt didn't think he was as grand as everyone held him up to be. Anybody could tell he thought this by his sarcastic demeanor.

Shannon's eyes started to brim with tears as he thought about all of this bullshit.

It was the media's fucking fault. They fucking drove Kurt to this. It was a fucking shame they wouldn't leave the man alone. He had a fucking drug problem and they glamorized it and they bashed it.

Shannon's heart rate started picking up as he thought about himself. He had tried heroin before. He smoked crack occasionally. He had blow nearly every night.

Shannon's eyes darted back and forth as he stared at the floor, brows furrowed.

What if he was going to far with the drugs? His friends and family were pretty concerned about him. Blind Melon's manager had already asked Shannon to go rehab, but Shannon refused because he thought it was stupid. He didn't feel like he had a problem.

He just occasionally liked to be out of his mind. Hot tears poured down Shannon's cheeks as he had all of these emotions running through his mind.

The media had held him up to be a great singer too, like Kurt, and then once his dirty drug demons were out of the closet, the media, like they did Kurt, were starting to bash him.

Reporting all of his arrests, making him look like a fucking fool.

Shannon sniffled, wiping his eyes.

Maybe he did have a problem. Maybe he did need to cut back on the drugs, or stop altogether. The drugs made one do crazy ass things.

Shannon didn't wanna die.

Shannon wanted to be a better person.

Shannon had stopped the TV on a random news channel. They were talking about Kurt Cobain and they were showing footage of his house surrounded by police tape.

Then what they showed next really pissed him off. Kurt's wife Courtney, was on tv, a complete mess. She was crying her eyes out talking to reporters, saying she didn't understand why he did this. She was an absolute wreck on public television.

Suddenly Shannon could feel an anger rising in him. He felt fucking angry about this. He felt angry that this man had to fucking kill himself to get some peace. He felt angry that this man's child would not know him. He felt angry that they were exploiting his wife. Most of all, Shannon felt extreme guilt for what he was doing to himself with the drugs.

He was hurting the people around him.

Shannon was so angry that he screamed, rushing for the TV in the hotel room. He knocked it off the table, it hitting the floor in an extremely loud thud.

Shannon's girlfriend screamed as the TV fell and busted on the ground, glass shattering. Shannon stood there, tears pouring down his face, fists clenched, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"SHANNON WHAT THE FUCK!?" His girlfriend exclaimed, coming near him. "Shannon what the fuck is wrong with you!?

"This is BULLSHIT!" Shannon yelled, furious, rushing over to the nightstand, ripping the phone out of the wall and throwing it across the room.

"What's bullshit Shannon!? Please stop tearing up our room! You're fucking scaring me!" Shannon's girlfriend exclaimed.

"That he fucking died! He fucking killed himself! They drove him to it!" Shannon screamed, punching the headboard of the bed.

"What? Who!? Kurt!?" Shannon's girlfriend exclaimed, scared at this point.

"YES! It's bullshit!" Shannon frowned, closing his eyes tight and starting to sob.

"Shannon...calm the fuck down! You didn't even know him in real life. There's more to this story than we think probably. It's still in development!" Shannon's girlfriend exclaimed.

"THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!" Shannon screamed, throwing a lamp across the room that was nearly a hair away from hitting her.

She ducked, absolutely terrified of Shannon at this point. Shannon stood there, hands on his face sobbing hysterically as all the emotions were draining out of him.

"I need help oh my god I need some fucking help!" Shannon cried loudly.

Shannon's girlfriend was nearly crying to. She didn't understand what the fuck was wrong with Shannon. She suddenly ran out of the room, leaving Shannon there, alone and crying.

Shannon kicked the nightstand beside the bed, cursing in pain when he hurt his foot. He walked into the bathroom of the hotel room and slammed the door shut as hard as he could, locking it. He sank down to the floor, running his hands through his hair, face red as he sobbed.

He was fucking terrified. This shit was real. Kurt was dead. Kurt had been a drug addict who had tried to seek help towards the end...and he fucking killed himself because he couldn't fucking deal anymore.

Shannon rocked back and forth, pulling at his hair. He looked over on the counter of the bathroom. His trusty video recorder was in there. Shannon sniffled, wiping his eyes, sniffling lightly as he stood up.

He fumbled around with his camera, turning it on and positioning it just in the right fashion.

He stood in the mirror, recording himself talking. His face was flushed and he was still sniffling.

"Um...so Kurt Cobain died today..." He mumbled. "He was the pinnacle of teen angst."

Shannon looked down at the counter, scratching the surface with his finger. He furrowed his brows, swallowing hard and glanced back up in the mirror at himself. The camera was catching it all.

"Um...killed himself...I think alot of people...including his little baby girl..prolly...are hurting....."

Shannon sniffled.

"Don't you think?...Fool?"

Shannon sighed, turning the camera off. As soon as it was shut off, the tears started again.

Shannon sat on the closed lid toilet and grabbed at his hair, sobbing loudly.

Shannon sat there crying, when suddenly, he started hearing the doorknob being fumbled with.

"Shannon!? Shannon babe it's me!" His girlfriend's voice sounded. "Please open the door babe!"

"NO! Fuck off right now!" Shannon screamed, reaching over and taking a bar of soap and chucking it at the door.

Shannon's chest heaved and more tears fell.

"Shannon please! I'm worried about you!" She exclaimed.

"Just leave me alone! You don't fucking understand!" Shannon said angrily.

There was silence and then Shannon heard another, harder knock at the door.

"Hey Shannon man....it's Rogers. Shannon just tell me what the fuck is going on man. Your girl went outside. She's really freaked out Shannon. C'mon man just tell me what's going on. It's gonna be okay man..." Rogers tried.

"None of you fucking understand! Just leave me the fuck alone!" Shannon exclaimed.

"C'mon man...stop fucking acting like this. Are you high man? We've got Letterman in 2 fucking hours...get yourself together man!" Rogers said frustratedly.

Shannon frowned, angry tears pouring down his face. No one fucking cared.

Shannon screamed, grabbing a hotel shampoo bottle and throwing it against the wall.

"Shannon man! Stop fucking tearing this place up!" Rogers exclaimed, frantically turning the door knob.

"FUCK OFF ROGERS! YOU ASSHOLE! EVERYONE NEEDS TO JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Shannon screamed.

Shannon sank down to the floor, holding his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth. He buried his face in his knees and cried.

It was silent again. They had finally left him alone. Shannon's mind was spinning. Kurt's death highly upset him.

* * *

Chris's POV

I stood outside of the hotel me and my band, Blind Melon were staying at. We had this Letterman gig in a few hours. I had walked around town and now I was back, taking a smoke break. I took out my Black & Mild Dark Cherry flavored cigarettes and took one out, tearing it from the wrapper and lighting it, taking puffs of it.

The flavor hit my mouth and the nicotine calmed me. Dirty habit really. I stood outside, taking drags and just enjoying the city. There was a slight breeze that blew my curls back a little. I took a long and hard drag on my cigarette, blowing smoke out of my nose.

Suddenly as I was standing there, finishing off my Black & Mild, I heard my name being frantically called.

"Chris man! There you are!"

I threw the butt to the ground and stepped on it, my hands in my pants pockets, and I looked over to see Rogers rushing towards me. I furrowed my brows at his uneasy demeanor.

"Hey man? What's going on?" I asked calmly.

Rogers was breathing hard, like he had been running.

"It's Shannon man..." Rogers breathed, holding his breath, trying to catch his breath.

My heart immediately started beating fast.

"Shannon? What about Shannon!?" I replied, brow raised, crossing my arms over my chest.

I cared about Shannon alot. I was concerned about him lately. He had been having alot of issues lately....

"Dude he's locked himself in the bathroom. His girlfriend's crying and shit. He broke the fucking TV in their hotel room. He started trashing it! He's fucking mental I swear! All she knows is that he was upset about Kurt Cobain's death today!" Rogers exclaimed.

"Oh yeah, I heard about that...fuck man..." I sighed, shaking my head.

"Man look we got Letterman in nearly 2 hours! You gotta come up and talk to him man. You and Shannon, ya'll got some kind of special bond. He'll listen to you. He won't listen to anyone else! You gotta come up and talk to him man! We can't miss this gig!" Rogers exclaimed.

I pursed my lips. Me and Shannon did indeed have a special bond.

"Alright man, I'll go up to his room and try to talk some sense into him." I sighed.

"Thanks man! You'll get his head straight! You always do!" Rogers smiled slapping my back.

I cleared my throat as we began to make our way back in the hotel.

He had no fucking idea.

* * *

I made my way into the hotel room. I looked around. The TV was on the floor, busted. There was a broken lamp on the floor. The phone was strewn across the floor, pulled out of the wall.

"Jesus Shannon...this is gonna cost a fortune..." I muttered to myself.

I made my way over to the bathroom where Shannon had apparently locked himself in. I sighed, pressing my ear to it. I couldn't hear anything.

I knocked softly.

"Shannon?" I asked softly.

"GO AWAY!" I heard a yell from the other side of the door.

I sighed and smiled to myself.

"Shannon it's Chris. What's wrong?" I asked softly.

I put my ear to the door again, trying to listen for anything. Suddenly as I was leaning my ear against the door, I felt the doorknob being fumbled with. I stepped back just as Shannon cracked open the door.

I saw his beautiful blue eye peek through the crack out at me. I smiled warmly, moving a curl out of my face.

"Chris!" Shannon exclaimed, swinging the door open all the way.

The next thing I knew I was being pulled into the bathroom by Shannon. Shannon quickly slammed the door closed and locked it.

I had a good look at Shannon. His eyes were puffy and red. His lips were red and pouty. He looked like a wreck.

"Chris I fucking missed you!" Shannon exclaimed, stepping in and wrapping his strong arms around me.

I smiled lightly and wrapped my arms around him, holding him. He had his face buried in my neck and I could feel him rubbing his nose up and down the flesh.

"Shannon...what happened? Why did you trash your hotel room?" I asked softly, reaching a hand up and running it through his hair as we stood there embracing.

Shannon sniffled. He lifted his head and he looked at me.

"I didn't mean to. I was mad." Shannon pouted.

"Why were you mad? They told me you were upset about Kurt..." I said softly, putting a strand of his hair behind his ear.

I looked straight into his perfect blue eyes as he spoke.

"Yeah...he fucking shot himself Chris. His head was so fucked up from the drugs...and the fucking media. I just fucking know it." Shannon's voice quivered.

"Fuck, it is a pretty fucked up thing that happened." I sighed, pressing a kiss to Shannon's forehead.

Shannon smiled a little, but then his smile faded as he stared at me with a furrowed brow and a pout.

"What is it?" I asked softly, biting my lip.

"It's just...I'm fucking scared Chris." Shannon nearly whispered.

"Scared of what? I'm here. I'll protect you from anything." I said softly, holding him tight.

"You can't protect me from this though..." Shannon's eyes were watering up again. "This is my own fault."

"What is it though?" I asked, tilting my head, brows furrowed.

"The drugs...I know I'm fucking using too much. I know I'm fucking up. Kurt's death...it's made me see man...I'm so sorry Chris. I'm so fucking sorry. It's so fucking hard to stop. I fucking need it to feel good. I fucking need it." Shannon sobbed, closing his eyes tight.

I felt so sorry for him. I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about the fucking drugs. I sighed and leaned forward, pressing my lips to his in a soft peck.

"I don't wanna die Chris. I don't wanna die." Shannon cried. "Help me I don't wanna die."

I sighed.

"You're not gonna die Shannon. You won't. You want rehab?" I asked softly.

Shannon nodded fervently.

"Yes...I wanna go to rehab. I wanna get clean. I don't wanna end up like Kurt..." Shannon cried.

I hugged Shannon, sighing as he cried into my shoulder. It felt like he was holding onto me with the jaws of life.

"I'm tired of the magazines talking about how I'm a drug addict and a convict. I'm tired of them talking about No Rain. I'm tired of them talking about my fucking arrests more then they do about the good fucking things I'm doing." Shannon cried.

"I know. I know. They fucking suck. That's why their called garbage. It's just filth. They want to know all the bad stuff so they can make a story. Kurt just let it fucking get to him too much. Shannon you can be stronger than that. Fucking ignore it.

Your family and friends know the true you. The fans know the true you. Fuck what they say." I sighed, trying to make Shannon feel better.

"Sometimes it's hard. This is real hard. I don't wanna do drugs anymore. I can't just quit...I need help..." Shannon cried.

"And we'll get you help. We'll get it for you. Just calm down Shannon. Calm down. I love you ya know." I smiled.

Shannon sniffled, pulling away, putting his disheveled, short hair behind his ears.

"I love you too Christopher." Shannon smiled.

"There's that fucking smile I love. God you're so fucking beautiful when you smile. Everything's gonna be alright. I swear to you Shannon. You'll get help, and you'll get better. I'll be there to support you all the fucking way." I smiled, laying it on pretty thick.

"Thanks Chris...you always have my back. That's why I love you." Shannon sighed and smiled, sniffling.

He wiped his eyes, a shit eating grin on his face now.

"So you think I'm beautiful?" Shannon asked softly.

"Yeah. You're like a rose, you put color in my life." I smiled.

Shannon pulled away, putting his hands over his heart.

"Awww Christopher, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever fucking said to me."

I smirked and shrugged, looking down. Shannon suddenly stepped over to me, taking my hands in his and pressing his lips to mines. I felt Shannon's tongue running across my bottom lip as our mouths stayed connected. I opened my mouth and let him in, our tongues moving against one another ever so gently. He always tasted so fucking good.

Shannon pulled away slightly, brows furrowed.

"Black Cherry?" He asked.

I had to think about it for a minute.

"Oh! Oh yeah, I smoked a Black & Mild outside." I smirked.

"Oh." Shannon smiled, reconnecting our lips.

My hands were dropped and I slide them under Shannon's shirt, pinching the skin of his hips with both hands as we continued to softly make out.

I pulled away after a while, licking my lips and smiling at Shannon.

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked softly as we held hands.

"A little...now that you're here. I want you to stay with me." Shannon sighed.

"What about your girlfriend?" I asked.

Shannon furrowed his brows. "She can go have a sleepover with Glen's wife."

I chuckled lightly.

"We'll get you help." I said seriously, stroking his cheek.

He smiled, holding my hand that was cupping his cheek, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb, nuzzling into my touch.

"Thanks Chris. It really means alot. I wanna be good. I wanna do good." Shannon smiled.

"You will. And you know what?" I smiled.

"What?" Shannon smiled, biting his lip as he watched me as I swung our hands back and forth.

"The only drug you should be addicted to is me." I smirked.

"Oh really?" Shannon smiled, giggling.

"Yeah." I smirked.

"And why is that?" Shannon smiled.

"Because I make you feel really really fucking good." I smirked.

"Christopher!" Shannon smiled, blushing. He hit my shoulder lightly.

"You always know how to make me feel better." Shannon sighed and smiled.

"We've got about...nearly an hour before we have to go do Letterman. You want some of me to hold you over? So you can do Letterman?" I smirked.

Shannon giggled, shrugging his shoulders like a silly school girl.

"Yes. Yes I want some." Shannon blushed.

I dropped to my knees on the bathroom floor, reaching up and undoing Shannon's pants. I looked up at him and he looked down at me as he rested against the counter, smiling warmly.

"Cheer up buttercup." I smiled as I stroked Shannon's dick to make him hard.

Shannon let out a raspy moan.

"...Christopher...fuck!"

"Everything's gonna be okay Shannon." I smiled warmly, before I slide my mouth over his cock.

* * *

Before we knew it, we were in an elevator, on our way to do Letterman. Shannon had drawn a question mark on his forehead. My sweet, random Shannon. He said it was a response to Kurt's suicide. Why did he have to die? Shannon felt he didn't have to die.

In the elevator Shannon leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"I hope you blow that harmonica like you just blew me in the bathroom."

"Fuck!" I exclaimed loudly and we both giggled together, foreheads pressed together, gaining weird looks from our bandmates.

We were standing at the back of the elevator close together. Shannon sniffled and looked up at the ceiling and I felt him grab my hand behind our backs, holding onto it.

When we got out of the elevator, making our way to the studio where our instruments were set up, Shannon dropped my hand.

During the performance, Shannon sounded like he was holding back tears. This Kurt thing really upset and scared him. He saw himself through this. He didn't want the drugs to fuck him up so bad that he would die. He didn't wanna be a victim.

I noticed he had changed the lyrics around in our song "Change." A bit.

When you feel life ain't worth living, you step back and you think about who loves you and then you look away to the sky, and when your deepest thoughts are broken, you see, you keep on dreaming boy, when you stop you know you're gonna die and I don't ever wanna die

The performance was so raw and powerful. Shannon put so much emotion into it. It was one of our best performances. I really admired him for wanting to get help. I was glad that he wanted to get help. I fucking hated seeing him destroy himself. He liked to indulge. And he liked to indulge hard.

It was sad that someone had to take their own life for him to realize that he was destroying his and the ones around him who loved him.

At the end of the performance, Shannon grabbed the mike.

"Probably uh, speaking on behalf of a lot of people...um, we'd like to say goodbye to Kurt Cobain."

Later that night, it took a lot of convincing, but we got Glen's wife to invite Shannon's girlfriend to stay in their hotel room with them so Shannon and I could be alone.

Shannon wanted to be with me. We would wait until the next morning before we told everyone what Shannon wanted to do, and we would take it from there.

This thing had scared Shannon so bad that he hadn't even went out to score that night. He stayed in bed with me, all night long and I held him and comforted him.

I thought he would finally get himself together for the people who loved him.


End file.
